Homemade Soap - cooking recipe

Ingredients

1 can Red Dog lye
1 qt. water
1 (4 lb.) bucket lard

Preparation

Strict is my diet.
I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past Baskin-Robbins.
It trieth my will power.
It leadeth me in the paths of starvation for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table with celery and lettuce; my day's quota runneth over. Surely calories and weight charts shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in fear of the scales forever.